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4 February 2009

Were all the words we said true?

We had one great summer, when I say great I meant having fun, but what I really mean is an emotional rollercoaster for me. I don't know if it's a female thing or just how I was at the time? A teenage thing possibly? A hormone thing!? As that is the year my thyroid started going out of whack, the year I gained about hundred pounds in one year. The year my life changed forever. The year I was poisoned and forever at the beck and call of one James L. Jones.

Our relationship consisted of strong intimimacy that he was also sharing with other girls and I was sharing with other guys. It was like an agreement. Until it started pulling on those heart strings. I'd get jealous when he'd pass me off for some other girl. Or upset when he'd take more than a few minutes to get back to me when I was upset with him. Or I'd just plainly felt used. And I was. He was using me and I was letting him. I'll admit I enjoyed it at first, it was like a secret club of romance, only his girlfriend was a member and who knows who else was too.

At some point I wanted more than the intimacy and less than love. I actually said that to James. What was his reply you ask.. " want me to pay you?" Yes. It took that long and that much heart ache for the light to turn on that said "Where's my self respect" and my confidence totally went out the window. I would slowly get to the point where I was ready to say good bye to him and good bye to everything he does.

When I got to that point, that's when he tightened his web around me. That's when he pulled out the charm and the "I care about you" lines that meant so much to me at the time. I'd feel relieved and continue to be with him. This went on for months, a year even. then I moved.

Moving was the best thing that ever happened to me. I got away from him. I got away from the feelings, I was happy. I kept so-so in contact through the next two years and grew up somewhat. When I would visit the emotions would flood me more.

It wasn't until I somewhat permanently moved and lost contact that we both grew up some. He followed his dreams and went down that downward spiral like I did. When I hit rock bottom I started climbing back up. The less frequent calls was almost a relief. The calls that got through after weeks of phone tag were funny and friendly. We didn't trust eachother.

Then I moved back. Was I going to slide back into that warm silk web he'd built for years? Or did I stand back and realise that his web could never hold me and he just was not good enough for me?

Until next time.